The TV Watercooler

Lessons from Television: How to Kick Someone Out of Your House

We’ve all been there…that relative that keeps extending their stay. You know… the one that promises to look for a new place tomorrow and keeps thanking you for generously allowing them to crash at your place until they get their life in order?

Even the divine Olivia Palermo has to deal with this pain.

Livvie P took in her cockroach/cousin Nevan after he was cut off by his art dealing pops a few weeks ago and hasn’t left. Every week on The City we’ll see Nevan do the same song and dance: he’ll wake up around noon all drooled and bed-headed and promises his cousin that he’ll find a job and his own place soon. Well, Olivia couldn’t take it and reached her boiling point. Instead of simply reminding him, she presented him with a yellow folder of places that she has already picked out for him!

How amazing is that? Such a simple thing…why didn’t anyone else think of it first? You really want someone to find a new place, you find it for them!

Here are a few things you’ll need:

1.      A folder: this is easy. The cabinet at work should be full of them. Palermo grabbed a yellow one from the DVF offices.

2.      MLS listings: MLS stands for Multiple Listing Service which is an electronic database of real estate that is used in Canada and the U.S. Check it out here.

3.      Know the person: like you would with a birthday gift, you really need to study your free-loader. Find real estate that is around their hangouts. If Nevan were sleeping on my couch, here are a few places/areas in Toronto that I would recommend:

  • Jane & Finch: Nevan likes paying for sex…even if he pays for it with Oxycontin. So why not suggest Toronto’s most notorious intersection?
  • Yonge & Dundas: Okay, so a guy like Nevan would get too roughed up by the gangs of Jane & Finch so why not a nice condo near Yonge & Dundas? It’s pretty close to Zanzibar. He may not be able to touch, but he can definitely look all he wants.
  • Near the Subway: Any place near the TTC subway lines will do. Nevan enjoys spitting at the subway, so much so that he’s even got a spitting ticket.
  • Queen West: Olivia pointed out that Nevan is espadrille-challenged. His smelly and torn shoes may be “super-comf” but well, they are smelly and torn and this is a problem…especially when it rains or snows. If he finds a nice place near Queen West, there will be tons of shoe stores like Get Outside to help him deal with these issues.
  • Bloor-Yorkville: No, not for the high-end shopping but for the art scene. Nevan’s dad is an art dealer and that is probably the only (legal) business-related presence he has been around. The three-block art district has been around since the early 70s.
  • Queen’s Quay: So there’s this massive Loblaws. It may not seem that big compared to the giant grocery stores in the suburbs, but this store is the biggest grocery store in the downtown core. I bet they never sell out of those Goldfish crackers Nevan loves so much.

 So there you go. All you need is a folder, the internet and 5 minutes getting to know your tragic mess of a relative and you’ll have them moved out faster than Olivia rolling her eyes at Whitney’s woes.


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