The Hills, “Put on a Happy Face”

In the sixth season premiere of The Hills, Heidi and her sister Holly head home to Crested Butte to see their mother, Darlene, who hasn’t seen Heidi since she married Spencer. It’s not just any homecoming, this will be the first time that Heidi unveils her new body to her mother. Meanwhile, its Superbowl weekend and the crew are heading down to Miami Beach for some heavy drinking and drug accusation.

The show opens with Lo catching up with Stephanie, who has just gotten out of an AA meeting. In season’s past, most of the tabloid fodder was never usually addressed on the show. I’m glad that not only did they mention St. Pratt’s AA meetings but the fact that she’s gotten a second DUI and is on probation. Lo fills Steph in on the Miami Beach plans and tells her that even Kristin’s coming along and our girl Audrina is A-OK about it. The conversation quickly turns to how Steph hasn’t seen her brother and sister-in-law in months. Lo decides tell her that Heidi has had multiple plastic surgeries. (I guess her probation doesn’t allow magazine racks.) Lo recounts how Heidi has gotten an “eyebrow lift, ears pinned back, nose job, chin job, boob job and butt job.” Both girls are shocked about the butt job. Lo insists that it wasn’t done to make it smaller, but larger. “A little junk in the trunk,” she says.

Now it’s time for the brand-new opening credits. The best part is that they’re now including Lo, which is great. Our girl Lo is a lot more down to earth and so much more relatable than say Kristin or Heidi. Since Lauren’s exit, there wasn’t really a sane person featured in the opening credits. My only other wish for Lo is if she could take up narrating duties from Kristin. Another thing I liked about the opening credits were the before and after shots. You’ll notice that they’ve got two old shots that open up into the new shot. Kinda like a shell or a morpher from Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. For Kristin and Lo, they’ve got some oldies from the Laguna Beach days.

The show returns with Frankenheidi preparing to leave for Colorado as Spencer tells her he wants to tag along. It’s ridiculous that they won’t unveil Heidi’s new face to the viewers yet. It’s like the slow unveiling of a surprise return on a soap opera. Heidi’s reunion with Darlene, the mountain-woman, was a must-see. I loved how the camera panned on photos of Heidi 1.0 as she walked in the house and saw her mother. It was an awkward situation that was both funny and really sad at the same time. (Which is natural to anything Speidi-related.)

Here are some of the best quotes from the Heidi 3.0’s Crested Butte debut:

Heidi: You act like I’ve got a new face or something.
Darlene: [Laughs] That’s pretty much what it is. It takes a little getting used to. It’s very weird and very awkward. I’m sorry.

Darlene: I can hardly hear you. Why are you talking so soft?
Heidi: I can’t talk any louder because my jaw’s kinda locked up.
Holly: [Shakes head in disbelief]

Darlene: What else did you have done.Heidi: I got a slight eyebrow lift and that’s why I had these staples in my head.
Darlene: [Looks at Heidi’s eyebrow area] Is that permanent?
Heidi: Yeah, it’s permanent.
Darlene: It’s not gonna come down a little?
Heidi: No…I had my nose redone. I had my own fat injected into my cheeks. I had my ears pinned back. I had injections in my lips. I had my chin shaved down. I had my breasts redone. Had my back shaped. And had inner and outer lipo.[Holly still shaking her head]

Heidi: Well you know growing up I used to put water balloons in my bra and I always wanted big boobs. It’s not anything new.
Darlene: You said you wanted bigger boobs than you have now?
Heidi: I actually wanted bigger boobs but they couldn’t fit in.
[Holly drops her head]
Darlene: It sounds to me that you wanna look like Barbie.
Heidi: [Excited] I do wanna look like Barbie!
Darlene: Why would you want to look like Barbie?

Heidi: Are you telling me that you don’t think I look good?
Darlene: Maybe you should re-phrase the question.
Heidi: No…do I look good?
Darlene: [In shock]

Holly: I think we should toast to…
Darlene: …to a new Heidi!

Tim (Heidi’s stepfather): Your face is more structured. It looks like it’s tighter…like your frozen, or…
Heidi: Plastic.

Heidi (to her mother): You live in the mountains. You don’t live where I live.

Holly: How’s that burger?
Heidi: I can’t really chew it.
Darlene: Do you want me to put it in a blender for you?

Back to Miami, the crew heads to the Maxim party on the first night where Brody continues to flirt with Audrina, which royally pisses Kristin off. I like how there’s absolute no mention of Jayde Nicole, nor should there be. Kristin decides to focus on her shots while Brody actually drinks straight out of the Patrón bottle. Audrina brushes off Brody’s advances (cause he and his crew get too flirty when they drink…whatever girl, you know you like it) and wants to head back to the hotel. While Stephanie and Lo follow Audrina back to the hotel, Kristin decides to stay (more shots) and yells “drama, drama, drama” and then proceeds to faux-shoot herself in the head.

The next morning, Kristin makes it clear to them that by no means does she want it to be another late night. Lo suggests they hang out in the room and keep things “mellow,” Kristin agrees but we all know that party girl has her own plans. Audrina, Lo and Steph dress up for their night in while Kristin is off god knows where with Stacie the bartender (amazing how she just shows up). The girls are frantically texting K Cav but she keeps ignoring them on purpose and let’s loose. Lo brings up the issue that no one el
se really had on their minds: Kristin suddenly has this drug problem and that none of them need to be in a space where there’s “drugs and crackheads.”

The following afternoon, the girls enter Kristin’s room to wake her up so that she won’t miss their flight back to L.A. Two or three random girls make their escape from Kristin’s bed and hightail it out of there so fast like a bunch of hookers caught in a police raid. “Where did you go?” asks Stephanie. “Everywhere,” replies Kristin. (Ooh, how edgy.) “This room is a mess. It kinda like smells in here,” continues Steph.

Kristin quickly grabs her shades and begins to get ready to leave while the others decide to talk shit behind her back. Lo is having none of this. She’s sick of Kristin’s behaviour and asks the girls if they really need to be out in public with her as there’s absolutely no accountability for her. Audrina cleverly agrees that “she doesn’t want to tell us.” Lo finishes it off with the gem, “eah, but like, she doesn’t want to be like ‘oh yeah, I’m cracked out.” By this time, Kristin has overheard everything and confronts the others. Audrina is somehow given the honour of telling Kristin that they’re worried. Lo brings it home by telling K that “everybody’s saying that you’re doing drugs.” Kristin denies the drug use and keeps her cool with Lo and Audrina but makes it clear to Stephanie that she has no business in this discussion as she “clearly” has “an issue with alcohol.” Seeing that the random intervention isn’t going anywhere, Lo tells Kristin that the girls are leaving the hotel for the airport at 4pm and if she wants to come with them, she can meet them downstairs.

The Hills airs Tuesdays at 10pm and is followed by The After Show on MTV. You can catch up with the show online at MTV.ca. The new season of The City premieres tonight.